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The girl who got trapped in the echo

....of her own verbal bullshit.

6/25/08 04:30 pm

I'm a little frustrated about my latest adventure in eye shadow making. I made three last night and because i wasn't intending on making a batch, i ended up making three perfect colours but i didn't take down to recipe. I was really buggering about with the slip - adhesion ratio and for my earth / neutrals, i think i've managed to work out the right amount of oxide to the colour because the end result in the formula seems to be working really well. I've got the formula down okay, so i guess thats the main thing. I'm really happy with the pigmentation of the shadow, it blends really well and the shimmer stays on the blend. So far so good. I just have to see how it lasts without  primer.
So many people moan on and on about creasing with eye shadows but everyone should own a good eye primer. Its one of those things every girl should know about.  Anyway, i'm working on making my own.

Labels next, still need to ship some jars over and work on some stuff for the Met.

I had a feeling and a bit of a change of heart about the course today. I'm not sure that i really want to go back to college, just to waste a year. I know i said that before but i don't and i certainly don't want to be sitting on my arse for the next year so...
This morning, i thought about it and typed up graphic design jobs in my area. Now, they are as rare as hen's teeth around here and i was certain i'd have to move to Glasgow once i'd completed my degree. Well i found one this morning, didn't i? I'm going to go for it. They are looking for an experienced designer but if you don't try, you'll never know, will you?
The pay in a week is more than i'm used to getting in a month. There are so many things i need to pay for and i just don't have the money right now. I'm kind of sick of being a student but at the same time... you know what i mean. Everyone gets to go through that dilemma after a few years. I swore i wouldn't do this and i'd get my degree but who knows?
We'll see. I won't lose anything so i might as well.

I'm watching QVC. Surely my pathetic existence has reached an all time low? Fuck. I deserve some luck!

6/25/08 10:37 am - The Pandora Peaks Torso Now Has a Head!

.. Was the announcement, March 15, 2002 on

Thank god says i !! I've been waiting all my life for a chance like this! hahahahaha
I can't help but feel a little uneasy about the possibilities of this. I wonder if you can buy the arms and legs separate and if not, do you get a free chainsaw? hmmm...

6/16/08 01:52 pm - Damn it

Right now, at this exact particular moment, life is sweet. I'm munching a Rocky road(which i shouldn;t be eating, due to allergies), drinking a mocha chino and project catwalk is on and wooohaa, my boys Traver Rains and Richie Rich are on. I've just died my hair and invested in fantabulous pair of new eyelashes, i finally found my favourite vest top with the swallows on but.....

At 26, it gets to the point where you feel like grandma at college and uni. I really want to go and do graphic design again but more than anything, i want to go and do it at Glasgow school of art. I had a chat with someone from the art school this morning and she said that unfortunately, there are rarely any places in third year and i can always get into second year. This is me back a year again. I feel stupid for thinking the application date was the same as all the other uni's but i never thought to ask. Thing is, i should have known because i've been doing graphics and digital art for sooo long now. I'm kind of thinking of going to do a photography NQ until next year. Theres no point in me doing the HND when i've already done the University equivalent. Aggghh, i'm stuck. I just don;t want another £4,000 to my name. It wouldn't make any sense and would be a further waste of time. I need to stop buggering about and find something to do. I might even see if i can get a job.. but then.. if i do and get used to the money, i might do what other people have done and stay with a job i sort of like because of the money.

I'm not saying that age is a problem. I don't feel old. I just thought i'd have got on further by now and these choices would probably have been easier to make a few years ago. A friend of ours has offered to help us get a house of our own and while i love her for her offer, i don't know where i am at the moment. Neither of us do. I don't know whether to stay here or move on. There are so many things i love about where i live but space is a serious issue. Saying that, storage is an issue and so is space to move around. I need a place to make my cosmetics, a studio space and a place to paint, draw and work on graphics projects. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrghh. This is all so frustrating.

This last few weeks, i've needed to get my act together. A few issues have come up that have now been addressed but i've worn myself out. I couldn't go to Lauren's birthday last night and i feel really bad about it. So much has happened lately and my mind is going at a hundred miles an hour. A group of my friends were talking to Stoo last night about my illness and they said some really lovely things about me. Its funny how you never really hear anyone say anything really nice about you to your face  and  here in Ayr, people are too pathetic to tell you anything bad. When he came home last night, i was surprised and cried. I won't say what they said but its made me think differently about a few things.

My Dad's coming to stay tonight. I'm cooking him dinner, we're probably going to have a few drinks out and then we'll most likely come home for a bit of a sing song and i'll forget all the words but thats all part of the fun! haha
I found him a really schaweeeeeet watch but of course, i had to pay import duties and that went out the bloody window. Bah. I promised him i'd run after him while he was here. Okay, so  i know its not a watch and yes, i look after him every other time he's at my place but what can you do? No money, no problems... well is that true? Nope, didn't think so!

Starr's due back from America soon, which will be a welcome arrival for poor old space hopper Jimmy! hahah They are thinking about coming to stay where we are. These flats are always up for rent and probably because of the space issue. This is another reason i don't really want to move. One of my best friends living next door would be awesome!

So the next week is going to be a bit of a long working out session. I'm making a mid year resolution to share my worries with those who share theirs with me. I promised i would do it and i am. So far, i've learned theres no shame in showing weakness because there will always be people by your side no matter what who will help you and guide you and you get out what you put in, thats for sure!

6/13/08 02:55 pm - Social distortion - Don't take me for granted

Ha! I found it on youtube...  I think this song best describes my relationship with Stoo. We've been together since i was 14 (now 26) and both grown up as a couple of old punks. Its in my blood for sure, as is he and the reason its the only song i want played at my wedding. We're off to old Gretna towards the end of the year. It'll probably rain, we'll end up cold and miserable but its gonna be done in festival style, no expenses at all other than booze money and petrol. We all decided we'll probably all chip in for a huge tent so we can all keep warm together!

I'm your worn in leather jacket
I'm the volume in your fucked up teenage band
A pack of smokes and a six pack
I'm the dreams you had walking down the railroad tracks
You and Me.

I'm your first taste of romance
I'm your first broken heart on a Saturday night
Guys like us ain't got no chance
But I'm the thing that keeps you and me alive
But not forever

So take me down the road
take me to the show
its something to believe in
that no one else knows
but don't take me granted

I'm the blood on your guitar
I'm that wave you caught back in 1975
I'm as strong as a thousand armies
I'm as soft as pedal on a long stem rose
I am love


I'm with you when you're born
You can take me when you die
With all the reasons why
But don't take me for granted

6/13/08 01:55 pm - A random update...

I'm in the middle of working out some designs for an antique chest of drawers i have in my livingroom. The new tv looks pretty out of place and i've been meaning to do something with the room for a while now. The dark green carpet is my worst enemy. I fucking hate it so its going. My landlord said he'd pay half for anything we did to the flat, provided it would stay when we left. Fair point and excellent deal that we didn't expect at all. I made a deal with him that i'd pay for the wallpaper and paint over it before we left so thats fair enough. I know hes a bit nervous when it comes to my taste but a few carefully chosen words ensured i got my own way. I mean, christ, its only wallpaper! So the old livingrooms getting a make over and i'm getting rid of my poor old leather chesterfield, which i love but its past its best :(
We've gotten to the point now where we need to get our shit together and make a home for ourselves. I was going to get rid of the old chest of drawers but since its been with me for so long, i've decided to paint it cream, age it and hand paint oldschool tattoo designs on it.

Being a smart girl (occasionaly!), i decided to give the make up mixing a miss and work on my portfolio. Did that work? No! I've made some pretty decent foundations this last couple of weeks but its so lovely outside, why would anyone want to stay indoors after i've been ill for all this time? hahah
Looks good for the clothing line and it all looks good for Leighanne's corset range. I'm not too sure how thats all going to go with sincosmetics.com. I might have to build a new site and get a load of other people involved. Yeah, that would work.... ahhh...

Its going to be quiet around here this weekend. Everyone is away to Download, Marie is away to Vegas baybeeeeeeeee and i'm up for a proper old swally! Shona's home, Stoo met Claire B in the town the other day and a as he's working in the town center every day, he's bumping into people we haven't seen in years.Genius! I guess if you're ever desperate to catch up with an old mate, the best way to get hold of them is to stand in the middle of the high street and eventually, you'll bump into them! So i'm here, alone... boo hoo... everyone will be somewhere.. doing this...

and this

Minus me :(

What else? I'm helping D with his photoshop stuff. Hes going back to do graphic design at Ayr, and has a chance at the HNC. He's an amazing artist but the computer side of things seems to cause a few problems. Theres no way i'd go back there. I wish i could say i picked up something from that place but we all agree (from our old class) that nobody learned anything. Its a shame you can't claim back your loan when two years have been a total waste of time... wankers.
Anyway, with D, i keep forgetting he's nearly 40. Fuck, that makes me feel old. Its weird teaching someone who used to look after me. - He was my mum's boyfriend when i was younger and i get on way better with him than i do her.

Interview for Glasgow was today but i couldn't go so i've managed to get another date with them. Bloody Download! I'm quite glad it all worked out this way because it's Friday 13th today and lets face it, i don't have much luck anyway!

Booking the old tattoo in two weeks... oh yes, i am! Thank fuck. Its been 2 years in the making! I've manages to design it so the stupid wrist band i have adds to the design. It needs reinked because Tam's ink sucked, so i'll probably have more details put in it and colours changed. The flowers look more like forget me nots that daisies, so i can probably have them changed to something more like cherry blossoms, which will be pretty cute. I'm going for a half sleeve similar to Janine Lindemulder's - not exactly but its the only way i can describe it. I want a moth and a coupe of butterflies with skull faces.. a few lilies.. that kind of shit. Oh, there are too many details to explain. I'll upload the design.
Agh, i bruised my foot badly after jumping over my old telly in the hall. It was a stupid place to keep it but fuuuuuuuck, it still hurts pretty bad :S Silly bitch!

Anywhoo, this post pretty much sucks. hahah

6/6/08 10:06 pm

I need to do something. I'm bored. I need a new project that'll keep me amused and i need a laugh.
For all the shit thats gone down this year with my health and all, its time for a change. Many things have gone down and i feel like i'm back to myself again. Talking to oor iain again, which i'm really happy about, still not talking to my mum butt thats another story. Stoo met Derek R the other day - my mum's ex, who i always got on well with- he's an artist. Looking forward to catching up with him. More than anything, i miss Stu M. He's one of my best mates and things are still so weird without him. We don;t see each other very often and things are not nearly the same as they were when we get together now. I wish he'd come home! hahah Fuck sake Stuart, if you read this, i'll fucking pay you to come home. I miss my dancing partner! You know you love it!

Fraser's back on the old game again, Del's still in Ayr, Shona's back fir the summer - yey! I've missed her so much! Davy's coming out soon, so that should be well cool and Shaz found Stoo  - thank fuck.
Everyone's going to Download and wondering why we don;t give a fuck about not going? Why? Its full of kids and bands i don't like. Starting to feel old!

Soooo this week has shown me that my mates wanna get me back out. I'm stubborn, i know. Having ME makes you think twice about how you want to portray yourself and you need to watch. I learned mainly that having 5 mates on one hand is one thing but having many, many more who want to drag you out because they miss your banter? It makes me realise how lucky i am to have a crew of mates that love me as much as they do.

: P

6/3/08 04:37 pm

I'm really worried about a friend of mine. She's dealing with some pretty heavy stuff. Though i have my illness, i don't know what i'd do if i had to face the decisions she's having to make. This isn't somewhere i really want to post it but i figure if i put it out there to the world, like i do with all my thoughts and ramblings on here, it'll send it out there. Worry, love, compassion... i don't know.
We sat and talked it through for hours but can you ever give the right advice when it comes to making a life changing health decision?
Agggh, like i say, frustration.

CAKES! Stoo and i made our first gluten free cake at 2 this morning! All i can say is WOW! We are the momma and the daddy of cakes! haha After the great gluten free pizza base disaster of 08, we were almost ready to give up. Stoo made ROCK solid rolls last week and the pizza bases were soggy and shit in the middle. But cakes... oh, yes, we can make cakes! ahha

So its Nelson's party tomorrow. I'm skint but baby, we always got cake! ... Hope we don't kill him!

Obsessions, obsessions and more obsessions.
I've been overloaded with work with all this make up learning thing. Applying it is easy but making it is quite something else! Anyway, after taking a wee while off, i feel a bit better. So much going on.

I've been ill, tired, fed up, angry, depressed, enraged and some weird thoughts have passed through me old noggin this year. Its a funny thing when your body goes into overload but since things just get back to normal and something else happens, its not surprising if you'll take it out on yourself eventually. I know for a fact that i've suffered for burying myself in my work. My thoughts on the matter are that its the only way i'll make money. Well... thats not really true. You don't, you won't and you never will. Flying on adrenalin 17 hours a day is a ridiculous way to behave, only taking breaks to talk to Gee on MSN. Thank god for Mr Nero, otherwise i'd have gone fucking mental!

I've learned a lesson here. I'm taking time off. The business is on the back burner for at least a few weeks and i'm taking some serious time off to get out and see my mates. I've missed going out and talking to everyone, missed the banter and the laughs. I've learned more than anything that i'm not the kind of person that can sit myself because we all know, i ain't that fucking funny on my own! Just look at my blogs!

 Looking into going to Camden soon. I'm also looking to get a decent studio or rent a show apartment for a day to do some photos. Looking into certain locations. I'm talking to some people about an M.E awareness exhibition. I think its time to focus on that and try and do some good with it. I have a friend in Germany who has just had her book published, so that will help a bit if we can sell some for her at the exhibition. It might take a while but one thing i do have is time!

I got an album cover job, which i can focus on again. Hope it'll turn out okay. I'm glad to be getting more design work. On that, i applied for the Met this morning. Thats gonna be a good laugh. Minds are more open in Glasgow and it seems i'll have better access to facilities and locations to exhibit my work - thats if i work really hard on it.

So if the last few months have taught me anything, its that my main goal isn't to be self employed, running a website. Its boring, tedious and frankly, i'd rather put myself up for a few laughs along the way. The photography is a great laugh and with the design work, i learn something on every project. So those are my thoughts so far this year.

My dad's getting better and so far, everyone seems to be coming out of the slump they were in. Things for once seem to be shaping up

(touch wood!)


4/12/08 11:11 pm - New Artwork

I'm doing a series of "Dark portraits" of my friends. The set is nowhere near complete but i'll post updates.
For more artwork, please visit my Flickr accounr


4/11/08 03:44 pm - I found this in a notebook i'd forgotten about...


Possessions mean fuck all when your life is traveling at 1000 miles an hour. Why do you want them? A consumer, chained to the shackles of empty promises. They won't make you feel better longterm, they won't make your life easier because you'll only want bigger and better things. They won't make you everything you want to be and you won't be a better person just because you bare someone else's name. Will they help you in your darkest hour?

Consumerism is a sickness and none of us have the cure.

And i'm a hypocrit because i want to be an advertiser.

We live on.

4/10/08 01:00 pm - Help keep me off Amazon!

I need to stay off that place because its draining the pennies at a horrific rate. I just bought Freak show by James st James, The new Tank girl graphic novel, Cape Wrath boxed set and Gia. I need a copy of Withnail and i and trying to stay away from last king of Scotland, Colditz and the band of brothers boxed set. I don't have any more room!

If i'm leaving my course, i need to think about building up my portfolio for GSA. Although its mostly graphic design i want to do, i can also do photography get into a bit of advertising. The main focus in the next couple of months will be photography.

My plan is to combine the mental images of  John Wilmot's works and surrealism.
See what you get with this...

Much wine had passed, with grave discourse,
Of who fucks who, and who does worse
(Such as you usually do hear
From those that diet at the Bear),
When I, who still take care to see
Drunkenness relieved by lechery,
Went out into St. James' Park
To cool my head and dire my heart,
But though St. James has the' honour on't,
'Tis consecrate to prick and cunt.
There, by a most incestuous Birth,
Strange Woods Spring from the teeming Earth;
For they relate how heretofore,
When Ancient Picts began to Whore,
Deluded of his Assignation,
(Jilting it seems was then the fashion.)
Poor pensive Lover in this place,
Would Frig upon his Mother's Face;
Whence Rows of Mandrakes tall did rise,
Whose Lewd tops Fuck'd the very Skies.
Each imitated Branch do's twine
In some Love Fold of Arctine;
And nightly now beneath their Shade
Are Bugg'ries, Rapes and Incests made,
Unto this All-sin-Sheltering Grove,
Whores of the Bulk and the Alcove,
Great Ladies, Chambermaids and Drudges,
The Rag-picker and Heiress trudges.

The man is a legend.I have a lot of other ideas for sets which have been processed by my very own little brainbox but since i love his work so much, i think it would be an amazing thing to pay tribute to. The Poem above is entitled "A ramble in St . James's park. There was a scene in the movie "The Libertine", where John recited it. The way it was done wasn't how i imagined it to be - (I was a fan of his work before old Deppster played him) So gonna have a bash. I'll post them online if anyones interested.

I feel i'm just rambling shit here, mostly out of boredom.
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